Do you repeatedly find yourself in toxic relationships? Do you struggle to identify red flags until the relationship has ended?
If so, don’t be too harsh on yourself; lots of people struggle to identify red flags. This could be because of self-esteem issues, or it could be because you tend to focus on their potential (rather than their reality).
Thankfully it is possible to start identifying red flags; you just need to understand yourself a little better.
Here are five common reasons people don’t notice red flags.
1. 5 Reasons You Don’t Notice Red Flags: You Are A ‘Fixer’
You have a tendency to date projects, rather than partners. You see yourself as a saviour, arriving in people’s lives at the exact time they need you to save them. You think that your love and support will help them to become the best version of themselves. This gives you a sense of importance and purpose… but the relationships rarely work out.
Maybe the other person has no interest in changing, or maybe they need proper therapy to deal with their problems. Either way, you are not their saviour – and thinking that you are could cause more upset than happiness.
2. You Idolise Your Partner
You have a tendency to idolise the people that you date. As soon as you start crushing on someone you see them through rose tinted glasses. You maximise their good traits and minimise their bad traits, making it impossible for you to see the person for who they truly are. This means that you frequently dismiss or validate their bad behaviour – after all, how could someone so perfect do bad things?
3. You Focus On Their Potential (Rather Than Their Reality)
You constantly think about the person they could be if they worked on their flaws. You’re so sure that they will eventually fix their flaws, and when they do they will be perfect for you – but you never consider the possibility that they don’t want to work on their flaws. This means that you stick around for months (or even years) before you see them for who they truly are.
This can be very frustrating, but you can avoid it in the future by only dating people who are already the best version of themselves (or people who are actively working on bettering themselves).
4. You Are Lonely
The world can feel like a lonely place, and dating someone can make it feel a little less lonely. This is why some people continue to date toxic people; they’d rather deal with red flags than deal with being alone.
5. You Blame Yourself For Their Toxic Behaviour
Finally if you have low self esteem you may blame yourself for their toxic behaviour. You may find yourself thinking “they haven’t spoken to me for days because I am annoying”, or “they lashed out at me, but I deserved it.”
If you can relate to this, it is very important to put your own wellbeing first. Toxic behaviour can quickly become abusive, and if you have low self-esteem you may struggle to identify this. Remember your happiness and safety are your number one priority – and if your partner rarely makes you feel safe or happy, they are not the right person for you.